


Realisation

by 1PB2PB3PB4



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Between Episodes, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 06:41:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1PB2PB3PB4/pseuds/1PB2PB3PB4
Summary: When Clay listened to tape 10 he realised he couldn't hide behund the excuse that Jeff was drunk anymore. When he listened to 11 he realised it was his fault Jeff crashed.Essentially just Clay angsting over Jeff, and a bit of tape 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own, sorry for all and any grammar/spelling errors,  
> It seemed to me that Clay didn't grieve that much for Jeff considering they were so close, and he told Alex he was just mad so I thunk once he stopped being angry it would really hit him, at lesst judging by his reactions to Hannah's death, even before the tapes.

After tape 10, Tape 5 side B, things change. Because suddenly, it's not Jeff's fault and Clay can't use that excuse to keep the grief away with anger anymore. So yeah, maybe things get worse after tape 11, but it starts after 10. He needed to get away so he cycled off legs pumping furiously as he tried to deal with the mess of emotions in his mind. He crashes again, again into a tree; but maybe not so accidentally this time. Yet again he's not wearing a helmet, he doesn't care anymore and he doesn't see the fucking point. And what a great word that is indeed.

When he'd still been able to believe Jeff had been driving drunk it had been so easy to be angry at him, blame him. He'd told himself Jeff had lied, "it's coca-cola",- he'd remembered afterwards, when he found out Jeff was dead- but he told himself Jeff had lied- because why else would he have crashed? He wasn't an irresponsible driver, or so Clay thought, so there must have been other circumstances, and in this case Clay, and the cops, named them Jeff being drunk.

It had been easier to be mad than to be sad, but now Alex's words were coming back to him about regretting being angry the day he found out Jeff died. He missed Jeff, their friendship, tutoring him, the dumb bets he knew he'd loose but took part in anyway. He knows everyone thinks he's incredibly hung up over Hannah, and he is; but not to the extent that people think. At first it was the guilt- somehow he'd caused this! It's still there but after listening to his tape, and Tony-god Clay's not entirely sure where he'd be without Tony right now, maybe hiding from Hannah in his bed somewhere. 

But anyway, after Tony helped to ease the weight on his concious about Hannah some, he's been a lot less: focussed, obsessed, hung up over Hannah's death than everyone thinks. No, the death he can't get over is Jeff's. You miss what you had more than what might have been, and he was actually proper "you're kinda my only friend after I distanced myself from Skye and growing apart from Tony" friends with Jeff. His friendship with Jeff went two ways, and while he knows now, with the power of hindsight that it did with Hannah too, Hannah and Clay, never really showed it.

Guilt is the main reasons he was struggling so much with Hannah's death, and while guilt for her death may have eased, guilt for Jeff's death has replaced swiftly and just as strong. If he'd stayed with her, she wouldn't have left and the stop sign wouldn't have been knocked down and Jeff wouldn't have crashed. Strike 1 for Clay. He kicks his bike once. If he'd gone instead of Jeff, on his bike Jeff wouldn't have crashed. Strike 2 for Clay, he kicks his bike twice this time. If he'd told Jeff he was too drunk to drive(even though he wasn't) and didn't let him go Jeff would be alive. Strike 3 for Clay he kicks his bike three times and then punches the tree it's leaning against for good measure. If he'd believed Jeff when he told him he was sober and hadn't blamed his friend for something that wasn't his fault. Well he would've been a better friend and not disrespected his memory. Strike 4, he pummels the tree this time. He doesn't want to screw his bike up so he can make a speedy getaway when Tony inenvitably comes to find him. As he's said Tony is great, but he thinks Clay's all upset about Hannah, only Hannah and nothing but Hannah. Clay's not.

Clay meant the "fuck you." last night on the cliff. Both to Tony and the idea, it had never occured to him about reuniting with Hannah; or even Jeff, much. Clay thinks, which he hasn't done much of because his seriousness scares him, it was more of an apology- to Jeff mainly, but also to others. Sorry for screwing up and getting you killed Jeff, sorry for not believing you. Sorry Hannah for driving you to kill yourself, sorry Tony for causing issues with your boyfriend. Sorry to Skye for ditching her as a friend and not talking to her. Sorry to his parents for stressing them and being a useless moody teenager. Even sorry to Jessica a bit- he doesn't think he went the right way about- about talking about that night. He feels guilty and doesn't want to. But Clay feels worse about considering what he was considering, killing himself, and how it would make everyone else, well maybe just his parents, feel.

He hits the tree a little longer, his hands are stinging and sliding down when he hits the bark but he doesn't care. He's both glad and suprised that ghost Hannah hasn't shown up yet, but maybe that's because she's soon going to be replaced with an angry ghost Jeff. At least Hannah just stares sadly at him, or lies there bleeding out. As he sees the approaching headlights he distantly wonders how the Hell, Tony is following him, and that maybe he was here too long. He can't be bothered to try to ride away so he just sits there and waits for Tony to come to him, as usual. Clay Jensen being passive and refusing to take action leading to everyone else suffering! The third sequel. Not stopping Jeff, not stopping Hannah, not letting Tony go live his life with Brad. He breathes out, braces himself, wipes his eyes.

"Clay?" Tony calls, staring at him, "what the hell happened to you Clay ? You've got blood all over your face.  
Clay breathes out again, he raises his eyes to look at Tony's,  
"It's my fault. I just realised what Hannah told me." He wipes his eyes again, missing the look of horror on Tony's face as he sees Clay's hands.  
"It's my fault, I killed-"  
Tony interrupts him before he can finish, "Clay, we all did. You can't keep beating yourself up about this. It's-"  
But it's Clay's turn to cut him off now, he knows that's true about Hannah, he just doesn't believe it yet, but he needs Tony to know about Jeff, see if Tony will stop helping him once he realises what Clay's done.  
"I killed Jeff. Hannah told me it's all my fault." He leans back against the tree, it's wet against his back, and gets set to ignore Tony. He doesn't need to though, it seems that unhelpful yoda Tony doesn't know what to say.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony had taken Clay back to his house the night before to get cleaned up and Clay was really thankful. He was not in the mood to explain the blood dripping down and smeared on his face, where he'd been, and his mum's favourite- what's going on with you? Clay'd wanted to continue listening to the tapes but Tonx had given him one look and flatly told him, No. Headspace. Instead Clay, wanting an excuse to ignore Tony, listened to the tape he had danced to with Hannah at the formal after Jeff told him to go and get her. Before he left Tony had tried to talk to it but Clay told him to shut it, not wanting any unhelpful yoda at the time.

Now it's the next day and he's still suspended so he can't go to school, and he can't hang out with Tony or Skye at Monet's because they have school and he really doesn't want to just mooch around his house alone all day. He thinks he should probably move on with the tapes, but honestly? he's not sure if he wants to, and since he's listened to his own now he's not sure if he has to anyway.

He walks around town with the tapes in his bag just in case with no set destination, yet he's not suprised when he ends up on the road to the cemetary, he has yet to properly say goodbye or apologise- to either of them. He starts playing the tapes once he reaches the gates, where he stands there for a few moments, looking around unsure where to go.  
"Have you come to apologise? At last? You said you were so angry" he hears from behind him, and it sounds so like Jeff it's painful. He nods, unwilling to turn around and face his friend's father, to acknowledge it's not really his friend.  
"You said you were so angry at me because you thought I'd been drinking, bit I told you, two beers- two hours ago. See _buddy _I thought we had this thing called trust." And suddenly it's Jeff, standing in front of him, scowl on his face and his arms crossed. It looks so much like him, and so not- because Jeff had never been anything but friendly, but it was still Jeff's face beaten and bruised like he'd found him and hell Clay knew he deserved Jeff's wrath.  
Clay opens his mouth in order to formulate a reply, but then Jeff's gone. It doesn't seem right to be clinging to Hannah's memories, listening to hervtaoes while saying bye to Jeff so he wanders to Hannah's grave instead to listen to reason 12 why she killed herself.__

__When he's finished, and he forces himself to listen to the whole thing without stopping once he realises what's about to happen, he throws up. That makes him feel worse sitting alone in a cemetery surrounded by the scent of sour bile and decaying flowers with no sound other than his heavy breathing and the sight of where Hannah's dead body is lying. He's thrown up over something he has no right to be throwing up about- look at him making every drama his drama. He's desecrated a graveyard with his own tainted insides and he runs._ _

___He runs to Bryce's house and stares at it, but it looks the same as always,_  
"What did you expect?" Jeff asks, "we know Bryce's always been like this."  
"Don't you care- how can you just-"  
"Dismiss it like I don't give a shit? I'm _dead _Clay, in case you've forgotten. Not a lot of shits left to give. Anyway why did Sherri hit the stop sign that night? 3 guessed and no it wasn't you" Jeff grins, but it's not one of his grins this one all teeth and blood and anger. Clay stares horrified at Jeff, or, rather, he stares at where Jeff was and becomes horrified at himself as he remembers that _Jeff is not real and anything Jeff says is actually said by himself _.____

______He's back at the school a few hours later waiting for Tony by his car. He's got a favour to ask, hopefully his last one from anyone because he doesn't deserve them anymore and he's taken to many anyway; but he wants to make amends and to get justice for Hannah, Jess too if she wants it. Then maybe he can move on, then maybe he'll be allowed to move on without destesting himself for Jeff and Hannah and how he's treated everyone. He's not going to kill himself, he doesn't get to do that and if he wants to make it up to anyone, Skye particuarly not that he deserves too, he needs to be alive. Tapping his foot he waits for the bell to ring and to set his plan in motion. Jeff hasn't shown up again except to tell him to go make it up to Hannah. He's very different from the Jeff at Bryce's._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______He goes to Bryce's house and gets the shit beaten out of him by Bryce, and he is _angry _in a way he has no words for; but he feels good and sharp and alive. He has the confession and has he cycles, not quite sure how he got on his bike cause Bryce _really _did a number on him, swearing off into the night he relishes the feeling. He saw what Monty did to Alex, remembers Jeff's warnings about not pissing him off and wonders what would be the best way to poke the bear. Jeff doesn't appear to tell him to do it or to not. Clay isn't sure if he's glad or not.___ _ _ _ _ _ __


End file.
